OMA13: Cronch Brand Foods

Location: Any supermarket.

Status: Active.

Description and Behavior: Cronch Brand Foods is an anomalous food brand that manifests as a display in supermarkets. It has taken the form of chocolate bars, cereal, yogurt, milk, cheese, bread, deli meats, and cookies. While appearing to be normal food when held, when chewed it always has the consistency of styrofoam and the flavor of boiled egg whites.

When the manifested display is interacted with by a person a man will approach and greet them in a familiar manner, referring to the person as Bill if male and Mary if female regardless of their actual name. From this point deviating from the ‘script’ of this entity will have grave consequences. The ‘script’ is as follows:

Cronch Enthusiast (CE): Eh Bill/Mary, whazzup? Checking out Cronch Brand (product)?

Victim (V): (Positive affirmation)

CE: Good call! After all, Cronch Brand (product) is a good source of (nutrient) and (another nutrient)!

V: (Enthusiastic surprise)

CE: Yes! That’s why Cronch Brand (product) is sure to take a bite out of the naysayers! Well, see you later Bill/Mary! And remember, Cronch…

V: Or be Cronched!

If the script is followed to satisfaction the man will leave and disappear immediately after exiting the front doors of the supermarket. If any deviation from the script occurs at any point the man will scowl at the victim and immediately disappear. At that point a large, grotesque floating head will manifest on the other side of the supermarket and immediately make a beeline for the victim. Once reaching the victim, the head will knock them down and start eating them from the feet up. The head has strong jaws and at least five rows of teeth it uses to deliberately crush as many bones in the victim’s body as possible. Any attempts to physically damage the head have little to no effect. Nearing the end of the victim’s consumption a female voice will say, from no discernible location, “Cronch or be Cronched!”

After the event has occurred, whether the script was followed or not, a ’commercial’ of the event will be played for the friends and family of the victim when they watch television or an online video. If script was deviated from, the gruesome death of the victim will be shown in full. The people who see the commercial will be more likely to encounter Cronch Brand Foods when they go grocery shopping. Unusually for a commercial, the commercials generated by this process have credits. These credits list the roles of ‘Victim’ as played by the victim of the encounter, ‘Cronch Enthusiast’ as played by Mr. Cronch, the ‘Jaws of Justice’ as played by Zaluuth the Lesser, and the female voiceover as Catherine Cronch.

Recommended Actions: Firstly, it is recommended to avoid interacting with Cronch Brand Foods at all costs. If it cannot be avoided it is then recommended to play along with the ‘script’, as resisting the event associated with the object always results in death. If you find yourself in the event and are uncertain as to what to do, rely on your instincts and act like you are in a commercial. If you do survive the encounter, it is important to warn your friends and family of what they may encounter.