OMA13: Cronch Brand Foods

Location: Any supermarket.

Status: Active.

Description and Behavior: Cronch Brand Foods is an anomalous food brand that manifests as a display in supermarkets. It has taken the form of chocolate bars, cereal, yogurt, milk, cheese, bread, deli meats, and cookies. While appearing to be normal food when held, when chewed it always has the consistency of styrofoam and the flavor of boiled egg whites.

When the manifested display is interacted with by a person a man will approach and greet them in a familiar manner, referring to the person as Bill if male and Mary if female regardless of their actual name. From this point deviating from the ‘script’ of this entity will have grave consequences. The ‘script’ is as follows:

Cronch Enthusiast (CE): Eh Bill/Mary, whazzup? Checking out Cronch Brand (product)?

Victim (V): (Positive affirmation)

CE: Good call! After all, Cronch Brand (product) is a good source of (nutrient) and (another nutrient)!

V: (Enthusiastic surprise)

CE: Yes! That’s why Cronch Brand (product) is sure to take a bite out of the naysayers! Well, see you later Bill/Mary! And remember, Cronch…

V: Or be Cronched!

If the script is followed to satisfaction the man will leave and disappear immediately after exiting the front doors of the supermarket. If any deviation from the script occurs at any point the man will scowl at the victim and immediately disappear. At that point a large, grotesque floating head will manifest on the other side of the supermarket and immediately make a beeline for the victim. Once reaching the victim, the head will knock them down and start eating them from the feet up. The head has strong jaws and at least five rows of teeth it uses to deliberately crush as many bones in the victim’s body as possible. Any attempts to physically damage the head have little to no effect. Nearing the end of the victim’s consumption a female voice will say, from no discernible location, “Cronch or be Cronched!”

After the event has occurred, whether the script was followed or not, a ’commercial’ of the event will be played for the friends and family of the victim when they watch television or an online video. If script was deviated from, the gruesome death of the victim will be shown in full. The people who see the commercial will be more likely to encounter Cronch Brand Foods when they go grocery shopping. Unusually for a commercial, the commercials generated by this process have credits. These credits list the roles of ‘Victim’ as played by the victim of the encounter, ‘Cronch Enthusiast’ as played by Mr. Cronch, the ‘Jaws of Justice’ as played by Zaluuth the Lesser, and the female voiceover as Catherine Cronch.

Recommended Actions: Firstly, it is recommended to avoid interacting with Cronch Brand Foods at all costs. If it cannot be avoided it is then recommended to play along with the ‘script’, as resisting the event associated with the object always results in death. If you find yourself in the event and are uncertain as to what to do, rely on your instincts and act like you are in a commercial. If you do survive the encounter, it is important to warn your friends and family of what they may encounter.

OMC12: The Trustworthy Mask

Location: Unknown.

Status: Unknown, presumed active.

Description and Behavior: The Trustworthy Mask is a white porcelain mask depicting a man with a relaxed expression and slight smile. The inside of the mask however is composed of rotting human flesh, maggots, and splintered bones that dig into the face of whoever wears it. When not worn it gives off a faint sound similar to a man mumbling to himself. Some have remarked that it sounds like it is saying “I said sorry, trust me”, “Eyes sore, must be”, or even “Isyd-Surstee” according to one person. This mumbling stops as soon as it is put on.

The main anomalous effect of the Trustworthy Mask is it makes any statement made by the wearer immediately and thoroughly believed. This includes even the most outlandish lies; for example, one person was convinced by a wearer of the mask that he himself did not exist. The other anomalous effects relate to how the mask affects the wearer. It induces a psychological dependency on the mask by convincing the wearer that they need the mask, or their lies will unravel and their life will fall apart. Once the person is wearing the mask on a permanent basis, the mask will over time erase the original personality of the wearer and replace it with another. The Trustworthy will repeat the process of replacing its wearer’s personality until they die.

Unfortunately, the location of the Trustworthy Mask is not known to us at PRAE. The mask was traced to several potential past wearers. Our research unfortunately reached a dead end with the esteemed billionaire Vincent Amnon. He told us that he did not have the mask, and that he was in fact not wearing at that moment. Regardless of this dead end, we will continue searching for it to inform and protect the public.

Recommended Actions: As the mask poses no real danger if not worn, and takes time to harm if worn, it is recommended to just ignore the Trustworthy Mask if encountered. The real danger is in the people who would misuse it. Therefore, remain vigilant of anyone in a porcelain mask matching the description. Avoid communications of any sort with them.

AMI11: Evil Rubber Ducks

Location: Various sewer systems around the world.

Status: Active.

Description and Behavior: Evil Rubber Ducks are an anomalous species of semiaquatic mollusks that closely resemble a rubber duck with a goatee. They have a tough and thick skin that feels like rubber, protecting them from their harsh environment in the sewers and making them nearly impossible to kill. While floating they use their foot to maneuver through water and can also use the foot to traverse solid surfaces. Their diet largely consists of insects, small rodents, and nutrients scavenged from human waste.

Usually they offer little danger to those that encounter them in the sewers. They are relatively docile if left untouched and usually either hide or remain motionless if humans are near. If they are picked up, they will attempt to sting the person, which causes paralysis and permanent nerve damage. This very rarely happens as most people aren’t inclined to pick up objects in the sewers.

It is during the reproductive phase that these entities can become dangerous. A pair of these Evil Rubber Ducks will make their way to the surface, usually through a toilet. Once in a bathroom with a bath the pair will wait motionlessly until a human being starts taking a bath. It is then that one of the Evil Rubber Ducks will sneak up on the person and inject paralyzing venom with a stinger hidden in its ‘mouth’. Once the victim is paralyzed the pair will enter the tub and make holes in the skin of the person, laying incubated eggs into these holes. Evil Rubber Ducks are hermaphroditic and can lay anywhere from a hundred to three hundred eggs each. The eggs hatch within the hour and the baby Evil Rubber Ducks start eating the victim alive, usually having the entire body devoured within four hours of hatching. The adults will remove the bathtub drain cap after feeding has ended, whether to conclusion or by intervention, allowing the babies to escape to the sewer. The adults then die.

Recommended Actions: It is important to always thoroughly check your bathroom before taking a bath. Always make sure the toilet lid is always closed when not in used to ensure that no entry can take place. If you do notice any Evil Rubber Ducks, do your best to try to drive them away back into the sewers. This is best achieved with chemicals and shows of force. If you can get at least one into the toilet the other is sure to follow.

SHN10: The Bloody Monkey

Location: N/A

Status: Inactive, presumed terminated.

Description and Behavior: The Bloody Monkey was an entity that was described as resembling a large, profusely bleeding chimpanzee with horns and scaly wings. It was primarily active in rural villages across the Americas. Before being rendered inactive it was known to travel between small villages, granting a single wish to every resident. These wishes would usually be interpreted by the Bloody Monkey in such a way as to backfire on the wisher. Some examples include, a man who wished for youth was turned into an infant, a woman who wished for her family to appreciate her hard work had her family become fatally ill, and a child who wished for a million dollars was crushed to death under a hundred million pennies.

As these wishes were to be granted to everyone in the village, this entity had little patience for anyone taking too long to wish or even being unwilling to wish. As such it would turn violent against anyone ‘slowing down the process’. These altercations in rare circumstances would lead to death, but always resulted in maiming and crippling. Often, after maiming a person, it would suggest the victim wish for healing. Anyone attempting to escape from the situation would always find themselves passing out and waking up back in the village if they got too far.

Unfortunately for the Bloody Monkey, it eventually met its own end when one of its victims wished for its death. This occurred in a remote Mexican village where a young girl who had already lost her entire family to the entity’s activities had her turn to wish. She made the wish which caused the Bloody Monkey to unwillingly summon Burlap (SHH4) to the location. It is then that Burlap initiated its typical pattern of predation of fellow anomalous entities, and the Bloody Monkey could be heard begging for its life. Unfortunately for the village, Burlap then turned its attention to the residents after dealing with the Bloody Monkey and over the course of at least a week hunted and tortured the inhabitants one by one. Everything we know of these events are gathered from the diaries of the villagers trying to escape Burlap either by hiding or fleeing. None survived.

Recommended Actions: In the event of an unlikely re-manifestation of this entity, it is recommended to make small and simple wishes. Complex wishes are easier to twist the meaning of, and the Bloody Monkey seemed to especially enjoy punishing greed with a horrible fate. Based on the events that rendered this entity inactive, it is strongly recommended not to wish death for this or similar entities as it may lead to a more dangerous situation.

SHN9: Mr. and Mrs. Happy-Stab

Location: The Great Lakes Basin area, could potentially move location.

Status: Active.

Description and Behavior: Mr. and Mrs. Happy-Stab, also known as just ‘Happy-Stab’, is the resultant anomalous entity brought about by the union of two separate entities. The first is an anomalous robot designed and created by Dr. James Sout called the Helpful and Personable Partner for You (HaPPY simplified to Happy). Happy was originally designed to be a humanoid ‘helper-bot’ before Dr. Sout somehow rendered it anomalous, allowing it to achieve physical and computational feats beyond what it should be capable of. When Dr. Sout ordered Happy to bring happiness to the world it immediately destroyed all records in the laboratory and sought out the second component of its current form. Dr. Sout is currently missing and presumed deceased.

The second entity that makes up Happy-Stab is the Dagger of Ecstasy. This dagger was reportedly the same one used by the jester Maria Stab to slay King Rex after telling him a joke so good it that he would not stop laughing despite her growing frustration. After killing the King, Maria Stab was then cursed to become one with the dagger which now would put anyone who is stabbed with it into an ecstatic state until death. It is unknown how literal or accurate this story is. What is known is that Happy immediately sought out the Dagger of Ecstasy after being told to bring happiness to the world and then developed a relationship with it.

The current entity of Happy-Stab occurred months after the initial acquisition of the Dagger of Ecstasy by Happy. Survivors of encounters with Happy note that Happy and the dagger would frequently converse with each other. Over time, the conversations became more affectionate with both entities referring to the other with pet names. Eventually Happy permanently incorporated the dagger into his right arm and the entities declared themselves ‘married’, Mr. and Mrs. Happy-Stab. As they are permanently combined, they are now considered a singular entity. Physically this entity is in a constant process of self modification in the pursuit of more effective predation and so lacks consistent a consistent description beyond having a ‘smiley face’ head and the dagger fused to its arm. It has been recorded to have been as small as four feet (1.2 meters) tall to as tall as twelve feet (3.7 meters) in various encounters.

Mr. and Mrs. Happy-Stab as an entity has the motivation of bringing happiness to the world, which it aims to achieve by stabbing any unhappy people with the Dagger of Ecstasy. The stabbings are usually fatal; though if a victim does manage to survive, they will have an inability to experience negative emotions such as anger or fear. Happy-Stab will often converse with itself about the situation, often with the two components of the entity expressing different opinions. The Happy component seems significantly less willing to undertake violence, usually willing to take victims at their word as to their emotional state.

Recommended Actions: Mr. and Mrs. Happy-Stab is significantly faster and stronger than any human. It is therefore recommended that if this entity is encountered the most viable means of survival is to convince it of your positive emotional state. Any attempts at escape or self-defence will be treated as signs of unhappiness.

OHC8: Spider Sodas

Location: Convenience Stores and Vending Machines

Status: Active.

Description and Behavior: ‘Spider Sodas’ are seemingly normal cans or bottles of soft drink beverages of any brand, with the only distinguishing feature being that the ingredient list is written in an unknown language. When the supposed ‘soda’ contained within contacts human saliva it reacts by transforming the entire container of fluid into the most venomous local spider species. This occurs at a rate of one millilitre being equivalent to one spider regardless of size. Even if part of the liquid is poured in a separate glass the entirety of the soda will transform when the reaction occurs. Due to the nature of this anomalous reaction it is quite common for victims to receive spider bites on the inside of their mouths.

Recommended Actions: It is our recommendation to check all labels of soft drink beverages and dispose of any with suspicious ingredient lists. If you or someone in your proximity activates the reaction, remove the spiders from the mouth and vacate the area. Then be sure to get treated with antivenom. It may be necessary to bring in an exterminator to deal with the sudden infestation.

HHH7: The Vapors Priest

Location: The Mediterranean region.

Status: Active.

Description and Behavior: The Vapors Priest was the head of the Chained Gods Temple before its dissolution and is the current head of the splinter organisation Servants of the Chained Gods. This entity is a smooth blue gemstone resembling a human eye in both appearance and size. The ‘eye’ emits a blue vaporous mass shaped like a human torso with four arms and a head. In the middle of what would be the face is where the ‘eye’ is located. The Vapors Priest is able to control its vapors to such a degree as to be able to decide whether objects can pass through its mass, which allows it to do such acts as pick up objects with its ‘hands’.

In order to understand the Vapors Priest, it is important to understand the pantheon of ‘gods’ it claims to serve. It is claimed that the full forms of the Chained Gods are kept imprisoned in the deepest depths of a great lake of fire by their enemies, the Oppressor and the Traitor, and will be freed upon the restoration of the Bust of the Goddess (OLC1). For the time being they interact with the mortal world through significantly weaker ‘conduits’. Out of the thousands of gods worshipped, the main five are as follow:

The Chained Goddess is the chief god, she is also known as the Mistress, the Queen, Ri’Lheni, and Vynis. Her full form is described as being reminiscent of a massive female centaur; though with three eyes, a multitude of horns, and equipped with a halberd. Literature associated with the worship of the Chained Gods claim her to be the goddess of motherhood, order, and justice. Her followers pray to her about issues related to planning, parenting, judging, and protection.

The Crystal God functions as the second in command in most Chained Gods myths and is also known as the Librarian, Clear-Maker, Curiothrax, and V’Thuuk. His full form is described as a thousand-side crystal with an eye on every side and countless scrolls containing great knowledge floating around him. He is claimed to be the god of knowledge, discovery, and history. Followers pray to him about issues relating to the unknown, records, and research.

The Harvest God operates as an advisor to the other gods and is also known as the Time-Keeper, Intercessor of the Faithful, Logothrax, and U’Lukrwth. His full form is described as a sphere of flesh with a multitude of extremely long ‘fingers’ he uses to interact with the world and hold his harvesting tools. He is claimed to be the god of the harvest, logic, calendars, and souls. Followers pray to him about issues relating to food, interpretation, and that he will grab their souls when they die so that they can be with their gods. Some literature depicts this entity as female.

The Marcher Goddess is the head of the armies of the Chained Gods and is also known as the Great Lizard, the Warrior, B’Thule, and Qi-Syth. Her full form is described as a massive humanoid reptile with two heads and covered with ornate armor, armed with a spear and followed by her reptilian servants. She is claimed to be the goddess of war, dueling, and honor. Followers pray to her about issues relating to war, martial prowess, and protection from schemes.

The Cannibal God currently occupies no official role but used to be the executioner of the Chained Gods and is also known as Sir Sackcloth, the Chaotic One, Saedo, and Xarquul. His full form is described as a skeletal figure with massive wings and antlers, clothed in sackcloth and rough iron armor while armed with a large battle-axe, grey glowing piercing through a sackcloth veil. He is claimed to be the god of chaos, murder, and torture. It is required by the followers of the Chained Gods to pray to every single other god for protection from him before attempting to pray to the Cannibal God. Due to this, he is only ever prayed to for extreme acts of vengeance.

With this knowledge in mind, the Vapors Priest serves these entities by undertaking actions to further their goals with especial dedication to the Chained Goddess. These actions include intelligence gathering, anomaly acquisition, and assassinations; and the actions themselves are usually performed by members of the Servants of the Chained Gods. These ‘Servants’ are persons that the Vapors Priest convinced to inhale the vapors that it produces. The vapors grant the person anomalous qualities in exchange for a reduction in the capacity for independence. This is likely due to the collapse of the Temple in part being caused by empowered members of the Temple operating too independently of the Priest’s plans.

Recommended Actions: If you encounter the Vapors Priest, or the Servants of the Chained Gods, vacate the situation immediately. Anyone who is caught is always either persuaded to join them or killed. The best way to escape the situation is by using a vehicle to get away from their area of operation. These areas of operation tend to be near and focused on other anomalous entities. Therefore, it is important to make haste to an area devoid of anomalous activity as the Vapors Priest rarely moves far from its goals.